Introduction:

A friend of mine named Joi told me when she was growing up her parents invented a ploy to keep her from talking all time. They told her that people are allowed only so many words in one lifetime, and when they use up those words, they die. So, Joi developed a habit of using words sparingly. She told me she would often go an entire day without speaking a word, and at the end of the day she would think to herself, "I just added one whole extra day to my life!"

Joi seems to have survived her parent's trick with little damage; she's certainly never at a loss for words today. Nevertheless, I wouldn’t recommend that parents use this strategy on their children. However, there is no question that it is good idea for us to teach our children—and to practice for ourselves—the art of speaking carefully.

The book of Proverbs has much to say about how we manage our words. Your ability or inability to control your tongue will determine more than anything else the level of success you enjoy in your relationships. If you can't seem to say the right thing, and you constantly seem to say the wrong thing, you will find yourself someday all alone, alienated from everyone in your life.

Some people find it easy to express themselves and have no trouble saying what is on their minds. We usually refer to these people as brilliant conversationalists. Some of them can talk on and on and on, use countless words, and never get around to saying anything at all. (That's the pot calling the kettle black, right?) But we all know there is more to speaking effectively than being able to string words together.

I was watching the old Dick Van Dyke show recently, and he was at a party filled with pseudo intellectuals. Dick got trapped into a one-sided conversation with a self-absorbed philosophy professor. One of the other guests said, "Isn't Dr. So and So brilliant?" Dick Van Dyke said, "He has the ability to say things which are on the surface seemingly vague, but in reality are actually meaningless." That sums up the way many people make conversation.

The Bible teaches a different approach to conversation. It teaches us to use our words sparingly and to speak with caution.

I read the other day that the Ten Commandments contain 297 words. Psalm 23 has 118 words, and the Lord's Prayer is 56 words long. Yet, in a recent report, the Department of Agriculture needed 15,629 words to discuss the pricing of cabbage. It's not using a lot of words that makes a difference; it's using the right words.

We need to get into the habit of speaking carefully. We need to learn to think first, talk second. Today we'll focus specifically on the "think first" part. Before you speak, here are some things you need to consider.

 

We should first consider not saying anything at all.

I'm going to tell you something that, if some of you will take it to heart, will absolutely liberate you and will revolutionize every relationship you have. Are you ready? Here goes.

First, we don’t have to say everything we know. I was having dinner with friends one evening and we began discussing Christian music. One lady named an artist and said, "He's my absolute favorite. I am so blessed when I listen to his music." Another person at the table said, "Oh really? Well, a person in my church was in a 12-step group for over-eaters and that singer was also in the group. Did you know that he's bulimic? He's been gorging and purging since he was a teenager." Now, he didn't have to tell us that. For starters, I would prefer not to hear about gorging and purging while I'm trying to eat. There's a reason why those groups all have the name "anonymous" in the title; people's privacy should be respected.

Blabbing that little bit of inside info did not build up the group, edify the group, or bring glory to Christ. Just because we know something about someone doesn't mean we have to spill it. Now, if at some time in the future this particular Christian artist decides to publicly discuss his struggle with food addiction, that's his choice. Until then, it's his personal business.

You may know something about someone, but just because you know it, and just because it's true, doesn't mean you have to say it. If what you say does not build up others and bring glory to the name of Christ, then you're better off keeping your mouth shut.

Solomon said in Proverbs 17:27, “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint.” Before we speak, let’s consider saying nothing at all because we don't have to say everything we know.

Second, we don’t have to say everything we think. Some people believe they know a little bit more about every subject than anyone else, and they believe it is their duty to wax eloquent whenever the chance presents itself. Whatever subject comes up in conversation, whether it's the stock market, computers, criminal justice, football, politics, or religion, they believe they have the first and final word on the matter. And, of course, they share it with you.

We can fall into this habit unintentionally, but we need to watch out for it. Several years ago my sister said to her only brother, "For once I would like to bring up a topic in conversation without having to listen to you pontificate about it for 15 minutes." My sister's only brother has since tried his best to follow her suggestion.

Have you ever seen the character on Cheers named Cliff Claven? He's constantly saying out loud everything he is thinking. No matter what subject comes up in conversation, he has something to say about it. He is a self-proclaimed authority on anything and everything. Because of this, he's also the object of a lot of jokes. I heard someone say that in just about every group of friends there is someone like Cliff Claven. If you look at your group of friends and don't see someone like him, maybe you should take a long hard look at yourself. You may be that person. We don't have to say everything we think. Before we speak, Let’s keep this principle in mind: Silence looks like knowledge. So, remember to think first and speak second.

Third, We can give the impression that we are wise if we keep silent. Solomon said in Proverbs 17:28, “Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent.” I took this verse into consideration a few years ago when I started a new job with a software publishing company. We were developing a new product in a joint venture with IBM, and my first week on the job was spent in all day planning sessions at IBM's Lexington, Kentucky plant. At that time my computer knowledge was extremely limited. I could spell "IBM"-- that was all I knew about computers. As we sat through these 8-hour sessions day after day, words that I didn't understand kept flying through the air, such as "config-dot-sys", "OCR readability", "file buffering", and on and on. Throughout the meetings I kept nodding my head and saying things like, "I can't argue with that."  Then, when we began to discuss parts of the project that I actually knew something about, I was able to make a significant contribution. My comments carried more weight because I hadn't blown my credibility by trying to talk about something I knew nothing about.

Fourth, we don’t have to repeat everything we hear. The problem with repeating gossip is that there is a better than even chance that what we heard isn't completely true. Gossip tends to get embellished as it is passed from person to person.

The subject of gossip is one that we do not take seriously enough. We say things like, "I'm going to go visit 'so and so' and catch up on the latest gossip." We say it like there's nothing wrong with doing that. To a certain extent, 'catching up on gossip' is just a figure of speech, but it's all too often all too accurate of the way we make conversation.

We need to begin to take gossip seriously.

Do you know what Proverbs 16:28 says about gossips? “A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.” That’s something new to think about. Does it ever occur to us that when we talk bad about someone, God considers our actions perverted? It may seem hard to believe, but that is what the Bible says. In my humble opinion, the truer it is, the juicier it is, but the more despicable it is to God when we repeat it. God would much rather we keep quiet about it.

Solomon said in Proverbs 17:9 that “He who covers an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” Repeating everything we hear destroys friendships. This is why we need to think before we speak and consider whether we should say anything at all. We don't have to repeat everything we hear.

We should consider whether or not we have all the facts.

 

The first step to managing our mouth is to consider not saying anything at all. The second step is discerning whether or not we have all the facts.

Do you remember Richard Jewell? He was the security officer who was first on the scene when the bomb exploded at the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta. He acted conscientiously and courageously, and he was, quite indeed, a hero. Then, as is typical in such events, the FBI developed suspicions about Jewell and began to consider him a suspect in the bombing.

The FBI was simply doing its job by suspecting everyone. However, the media went wild with the story. The Atlanta Journal-Constitution printed a story packed with innuendos and misleading comments. The New York Post called him a " fat, former failed sheriff's deputy" in a story that crossed the line between reporting him as a possible suspect and declaring him guilty. Even Tom Brokaw compromised his credibility by saying, "They probably have enough to arrest him right now, probably enough to prosecute him. But you always want enough to convict him."

As it turned out, Richard Jewell didn't plant the bomb. He really was a hero. He put his life in danger to save other people and he was ripped to shreds by the press. For once, this time the media was held accountable. A number of news organizations, including NBC, settled with Jewell for an undisclosed amount rather than go through the humiliation of a public trial.

This event taught us a couple of things. For instance, just because Tom Brokaw says something, it doesn't mean it's true. We need to remember when we watch the news, there is a very real possibility we’re getting only a fraction of the story.

Another thing it taught us was that we can do a lot of damage by speaking before we get the facts, and some of the damage caused by speculating and speaking will come back our way. We may never find ourselves in the kind of jam NBC was in after reporting lies about Richard Jewel, but we can be sure that if we open our mouths before we get the facts, we are courting disaster for ourselves and everyone else involved. Solomon said in Proverbs 18:13, “He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame.”

 

I remember a few years ago watching my boss fly off the handle because he thought he had been over-billed by a supply company. He screamed at the employee that should have caught the "mistake", then he called the supply house and yelled at them for a while, and he cancelled his contract with them. A little while later, he found out that he was wrong. He tried to apologize to the employee, but it was too late.  She had already turned in her resignation. He called the supply house and asked to have his contract reinstated. They told him they would renew the contract, but at a higher rate. That fifteen minutes he spent jumping to the wrong conclusion ended up costing him dearly.

It reminds me of what Solomon said in Proverbs 14:3, “A fool's talk brings a rod to his back, but the lips of the wise protect him. “

This is why we have to think first and speak second. Let’s make sure we have all the facts. Remember, Solomon’s wisdom in Proverbs 17:29, “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint.” Let’s speak carefully after considering whether or not we have the facts before we open our mouths. 

We should consider the best way to say what needs to be said.

We don't live in a Pollyanna world, and sometimes we have to say some things that aren't pleasant to say. But our words will carry more weight if we take the effort to say them well. As Proverbs 15:23 says, “A man finds joy in an apt reply—and how good is a timely word.”

It takes effort—and a lot of thought—to make sure we say the right thing the right way.

A state trooper pulled a man and wife over for speeding on a deserted road. Since the road was clear and the weather was fine, the trooper told them he would let them off with a warning. He even complimented the man and his wife for wearing their seat belts. At that point the woman leaned over and said, "Well, officer, when you drive the speeds we do, you have to wear your seat belt." That's when the trooper decided to write the ticket after all.

That's an example of what can happen when we don’t think before we speak. It’s also an example of not considering the best way to say something.

There's an old story, which I may have told it before, about a man who fixed his wife a sandwich.  One of the pieces of bread he used was the heel. When he gave her the sandwich, she blew up and said, "I am so sick of you giving me the heel on every sandwich you make. You've been doing this for 20 years. Why do insist on doing this to me every time?" The husband looked at her and said quietly, "Because the heel is my favorite piece."

Now, that guy knew the right thing to say. Apparently he understood what Solomon meant when he said in Proverbs 15:1, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

If you need to confront your spouse, or your child, or an employee about a problem in your relationship, you need to take the time to find the right way to go about saying it. You need to ask yourself, "How can I say this in such a way that it will build them up, and encourage them to do what is best for them to do?"

A woman once said to me, "My husband has a way of telling me to do something that makes me want to do the exact opposite of whatever he says." A caveman might say that this man's wife needs to learn how to submit. I would be more inclined to say that the husband needs to learn how to communicate with his wife in a gentler manner.

Let’s look for the best way to say what needs to be said. In Proverbs 18:21 it says, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”  When we speak to one another, we should keep these words in mind.

Conclusion:

As you know, this message is just one part of a ten part series. The Bible says so much about speaking carefully that we could easily do a ten part series on this subject alone. Words have tremendous power, and we need to make sure we use them carefully. Proverbs 13:3 tells us, “He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.”

 

It’s not true that God only gives us a certain number of words to speak in our lifetime.  It’s not true that when our words are used up, our life comes to end, but it is true that there is great danger in talking too much, especially when we talk before we think.

Solomon said in Proverbs 10:19, “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.”

 

We don't have to take a vow of silence, but all of us would benefit from making a commitment to think first and speak second. And while we're thinking, we can consider whether or not we should say anything at all.  We can consider whether or not we have all the facts, and we can consider what is the best way to say what needs to be said. In guarding our lips this way, we guard our lives, we strengthen our relationships, and we build up others to a closer walk with Christ.

Steve May has been a pastor to pastors for more than 20 years, helping preachers and teachers to become more effective communicators of the gospel.