Editor’s Note: We asked Matthew Kim to film a brief introduction to this article. So check it out, as he welcomes us into his backyard!

As we begin to re-open our churches I want to pose a question to you: Is your church friendly or unfriendly? Most pastors would immediately toot, “Of course, my church is friendly!” Well, what’s the alternative? Unfriendliness? Calling our church (the bride of Christ—using Paul’s imagery in Eph. 5:25-27) unfriendly is akin to calling our best friend’s spouse or kids unattractive. We just don’t go there! Yet, maybe now is the right time to do some soul searching about our congregation. Are there any ways that we are unintentionally unfriendly?

Like every part of life, we need the courage to admit that we have a problem as a first step towards improvement—in this case confessing that we could be friendlier. No matter what size our churches are, it’s probably the case that our congregations are unaware of their own unfriendliness.

Unfriendliness can be a blind spot and there’s no magic algorithm to project the church’s friendliness level. In other words, we can’t assume just because our church is smaller that it’s automatically friendly. Whether our congregation is tall, grande, or venti (for all you Starbucks lovers), let’s name a few of the friendliness woes suffered by churches of all sizes (I will be using Gary McIntosh’s typology of churches found in One Size Doesn’t Fit All, p. 18) and how we might consider growing in friendliness through our preaching.

Preach to the Discipleship-Averse

Particularly for medium (201-400) and large churches (over 401), it’s easy for our church members to get lost in a sea of faces on a Sunday morning. Depending on his or her philosophy of discipleship, this visitor or regular attender may prefer to go undetected by you or anyone at church on Sunday morning. That’s part of the allure of going to a larger church or what we might call a version of “stealthy Christianity.” If their bar is set low (being content with merely entering the sanctuary for the worship service), then it probably won’t phase them much if our church is less than friendly. They’re not all that interested in relationship building and accountability anyway. But, as we know, that’s not the end all, be all, of Christian discipleship.

Imagine that you pastor a large church. In many ways your church is a model congregation that cares deeply about evangelism and missions. It’s ethnically and culturally diverse with various nations represented in its constituency. Sunday mornings often feel like a preview of John’s apocalyptic vision in Revelation 7:9 where he saw “a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb.” It’s exciting. That’s what draws many people to your church including the range of ministry programs.

Yet, for the congregant, going to a church of over 400 worshippers usually means not sitting beside the same people two weeks in a row. It means not finding a real community to hold them accountable or cultivating meaningful Christian friendships. In fact, it’s possible that many people don’t get to know anyone at the church even though you and your pastoral staff are palpably loving and caring.

It’s important to remember that even if we train our ushers to smile and welcome visitors as they walk into the sanctuary, it doesn’t automatically connote to the visitor that our church is friendly and that our church will lead them to greater discipleship. Yes, the onus is on the individual Christian. But we can help.

Are we intentional in guiding them to become disciples who are making disciples? How are we making them feel welcome so much so that they can’t help but stay and get involved? Consider and pray about creating a blueprint for moving visitors into regular attenders who become disciples and active ministry servants. What’s our plan for moving visitors and uninvolved attenders toward increased discipleship (See Gibson, Preaching with a Plan)?

One way that we can respond to discipleship aversion or discipleship avoidance is to do a regular sermon series on the importance of seeing the church as a family. Rather than viewing the church as a commodity to be consumed, we want to show our listeners that churches function as extended families. That may be good news for some and torture for others. Many people are longing to be part of a loving family. Lee Eclov communicates as such in his helpful book, Feels Like Home: How Rediscovering the Church as Family Changes Everything, where he says: “Our goal is to find the God-given ways that our fellowship can truly become family and what keeps us from doing so (p. 15).”

How is our church like a family and how do we act like strangers? Preaching about the church as family enables us to teach on the doctrine of ecclesiology. I don’t remember the last time I heard a sermon on ecclesiology. What is the church and how are we to interact with each other as God’s family members (See Sunquist, Why Church)?

We can do a short topical series like “Our Church is a Healthy Home” walking through some passages concerning the church’s participation in doing life together as the family of God such as: Acts 2:42; Ephesians 4:11-13; and Hebrews 10:24-25. What does a healthy church family do together? We want to replicate this in the life of the congregation. This might be an opportunity to dispel some of the harmful perspectives that our listeners have about the nature and function of the local church. In this sermon series, we might strongly endorse our small group ministry and get people plugged in. Have a church meal together after the worship service once in a while (when we return to normalcy after COVID-19). Provide opportunities for your church members to connect as a family.

Preach to the Busy and Lethargic

Another common roadblock to friendliness, particularly in small congregations (1-200), is busyness and lethargy. I pastored a small church and there the same select servants tended to participate in numerous leadership and ministry roles. As an example, the worship leader simultaneously serves as an elder who also manages to teach Bible study for third-graders in children’s ministry. The plethora of church hats worn by people in small congregations renders them not only busy but utterly depleted. To top it off, if they have young offspring of their own, they will stagger around the church building like a walking zombie just hoping to find the refreshment table with donuts and coffee. This doesn’t even include all of the extracurricular activities families do during the week, that is, prior to COVID-19. But those activities will eventually return.

Moreover, there’s not enough energy reserves to engage in small talk with newcomers let alone show them Christ-like hospitality in their homes, ala Rosaria Butterfield’s The Gospel Comes with a House Key, during taxing seasons of life. Their drained countenances say it all. And something’s got to give. Thus, they may walk right by visitors week after week, month after month, even year after year. This dynamic can occur in medium and big churches as well where the 80/20 principle (80 percent of ministry work is done by 20 percent of its members) usually reigns supreme.

How can we encourage greater participation in the work of friendliness? Consider the on/off principle by giving church leaders and ministry servants time off. Give them a season of reprieve to rest and recreate. Yes, this may be difficult to do with so few options. Additionally, we want to come along side of our congregants through celebratory proclamation. If I could do it over, I would do one or two annual sermon series celebrating the good things happening at the church and thanking the ministry servants.

Our listeners are in need of encouragement, as are we. Haddon Robinson used to say something to this effect: “We need nine ‘Atta boys’ or ‘Atta girls’ for every single, ‘You jerk.’” Just as some families practice verbalizing what each person is thankful for during Thanksgiving dinner, perhaps we can do the same from the pulpit to encourage all of the hard work done by our congregation members.

Celebrate what they’ve done. Encourage them. Thank them for their labors. Encourage yourself in the process by reminding each other of God’s good work done among you. Rather than focusing on what still needs to be done, take time to rejoice in the Lord and in his faithfulness. Preach one or two sermons at the beginning and middle of each year to celebrate with your church from passages such as Psalm 126:3 and Philippians 1:3.

Preach to the Indifferent and Apathetic

A final scallywag in building a friendly church culture is simply indifference or apathy. The truth is that many listeners don’t have time, energy, or even desire to befriend others nor can they be bothered to. Part of our common struggle is busyness and lethargy mentioned earlier.

In a myriad of ways, we are simply living in an age of grave indifference and apathy even among Christians. It’s not wholly dissimilar from the Church of Laodicea in the Book of Revelation. As Michael Kruger observes, “Laodicea. Just the name of that church conjures up all sorts of images in our mind. It was a church that was tepid, bored, and apathetic—overconfident in their own spiritual condition” (See www.michaeljkruger.com).

It’s easy to fault congregants for this less than optimal attitude. Yet, pastors also struggle with indifference and apathy at times, principally during seasons of church opposition and conflict, personal crises, bouts with sin, discouragement, depression, crisis, and more. I’ve been there. Ministry can be trying at times. Is our church apathetic or indifferent toward skeptics and visitors? Are we?

To combat indifference and apathy, consider preaching a sermon series or leading a Bible study in the coming months on how to grow in our love for God which is one of the primary antidotes for indifference and apathy toward others. When we are unmotivated to love and care for others, it’s often a reflection of our lack of love and devotion to the Lord.

In addition, we want to show our listeners what it’s like to be on the receiving end of unfriendliness. We can preach on passages concerning how to treat strangers, aliens, and foreigners among us (see Leviticus 19:34; Psalm 146:9; and Romans 12:13). Oftentimes, we don’t know something’s happening if we haven’t experienced it ourselves.

As a brief testimony, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve visited churches all across the country where I was completely ignored, stared at, spoken down to, misunderstood, and made to feel unwelcome. I’m sure that I’m not the only one who’s experienced this. And I confess that I’ve unintentionally done those very same things to others. It happens without evening knowing it. In fact, I want to encourage all pastoral leaders to celebrate the ways we are friendly and seek to improve on the areas where we are presently unfriendly.

Conclusion

I’ve touched on three of the ways that we can be unintentionally unfriendly toward visitors and even regular attenders. Perhaps, the Holy Spirit is calling to mind some of the ways that we and our churches have lacked friendliness. We can admit our shortcomings and confess them to the Lord as a first step. Next, we want to prayerfully diagnose as a pastoral staff and leadership what these obstacles to friendliness are for our specific church family. Whether we are a small, medium, or large church, God can use us in creative new ways to welcome visitors and nurture them toward Christlikeness. A huge part of the process is to grow our local church’s passion to become more friendly. In the process, we want to lead the charge in growing in friendliness too. This we do for the sake of Christ’s beautiful bride, the church!

Editor’s Note: If you like what Matthew Kim has had to say in this article and would like to dig a little deeper, be on the lookout for his book, tentatively titled, Becoming a Friendlier Church: The Ways We are Unintentionally Unfriendly and How We Can Change (Lexham Press).

Matthew D. Kim is Professor of Practical Theology and the Hubert H. and Gladys S. Raborn Chair of Pastoral Leadership at Truett Seminary, Baylor University.