The average American watches TV for nearly 30 hours per week. That's 65 days of nonstop TV watching every year. By the time they graduate from high school, students will have viewed 360,000 commercials. The average 65-year-old will have watched two million commercials. Each of these commercials has been created by smart people who pack their ads with powerful images, catchy music and humor, and memorable slogans. Most of the commercials have a primary theme: this product will give you true happiness and deep satisfaction.

Based on the worldview presented by TV commercials, here's how I would rewrite the Beatitudes spoken by Jesus:

Blessed are those who fly to luxury vacation spots on tropical islands, where they lie in chaise lounge chairs, the only two people on an enormous white beach; for they shall be satisfied.

Blessed are those who drink much beer, for they shall be surrounded by carefree, football-watching buddies and highly attractive, socially-gifted women in the first half of life; and they shall be satisfied.

Blessed are those who have the latest smartphone, for they shall gaze on a screen swirling with color and shall get all the information they need just when they need it; and they shall be satisfied.

Blessed are those who have outstanding kids. Verily I say to you, highly blessed are those who have a golden Labrador retriever bounding along on that slow-motion-videoed day of playing with the kids in the park, for they shall be the envy of real families everywhere; and they shall be satisfied.