I didn't suspect a thing, but I imagine God was smiling when I sat down to check my e-mail that day. He was about to bring great joy into my life after a dark season of sorrow.
It had been more than two years since my husband of 29 years had died of cancer. When Tom passed away, we had four sons at home, ages 8 to 23. I spent the first year in a fog. Exhaustion and sadness were my companions, but God faithfully met our needs.
As I entered my second year of widowhood, I knew I had to find a way to make peace with my new life. At 49, I was younger than most widows, but I didn't fit in a couples' world anymore. I drew closer to a few single friends and started meeting with a group of older Christian singles. I also joined a hiking club. Our nearby mountain trails were one of the few places my heart found comfort.
Still, the loneliness was unrelenting. My two oldest boys left home for jobs and college. Our youngest, now ten, wrestled with his dad's death. My third son, still in high school, knew how hard I struggled. I told him one day, "The hardest thing about being alone is knowing I'm no longer the most important person to anyone."
I searched the Scriptures for God's promises. Psalm 146:9 declares, "The Lord … sustains the fatherless and the widow." I knew I could trust God's care for my family. I also felt led to ask God for the gift of another romantic relationship. But I wanted his will more than mine.
Mom's Got Mail!
One day I decided to search for widows' groups on the web. I found a support site where I learned my painful emptiness was a normal part of the grieving process.
Several months after asking God for another companion, I discovered websites where I could meet other Christian singles without divulging too much personal information. Although it was contrary to my reserved nature, I posted a profile and picture and signed up for a few free trials. My sons were amazed their mom was making new friends online.
At the singles sites, members used passwords and made personal contact only if both parties chose to do so. The men I met were committed believers, and I truly had no bad experiences. But as we prayed, communicated, and dated, God didn't give the go-ahead to these relationships. We recognized obstacles (job situations, family issues, personality differences) that discouraged further contact.
Getting the Message
As I was beginning to believe I would be OK on my own, the e-mail arrived. It was short and simple: "I was also married 29 years and my wife died of cancer, too."
The sender's name was Phillip, and his profile contained the usual general information as well as a family photo. But when I saw he was from Indiana, I thought, I'll answer politely because I know his loss is hard. But Indiana—no way. There were no mountains in Indiana, and I was a Tennessee girl who needed mountains to climb!
For several days, we e-mailed short messages. I discovered Phil, who's three weeks younger than I am, loves the outdoors and had vacationed in the Smoky Mountains for years. I also learned he had two grown children and had cared for his wife during several years of illness. I sensed his servant's heart and love for the Lord.
One of the things I'd asked God for in a potential mate was someone who'd known suffering. I spent 19 years raising a physically challenged daughter (Shela died at 19) and many months facing my husband's illness. I knew suffering changes a person and defines his faith. Phil certainly understood that.
After e-mailing about our families and our faith, Phil asked if he could call. I agreed, but reminded him Indiana was too far. When he called, he'd already mapped out the distance! After a number of phone calls, he was ready to make the six-hour drive.
I knew we were compatible in many ways, but I was reluctant to believe this was a serious possibility. Still, friends and family were praying for God to bring me the good gift of another companion, and I didn't want to miss God's plan. I told Phil to come.
Face to Face
On a cold day in February, I met Phil outside a Cracker Barrel restaurant. As we sat down to eat, he looked across the table and asked, "What do you think?" I said, "I'm not disappointed." It certainly wasn't love at first sight, but he had a great smile!
Over the next three days, we became better acquainted. As we hiked some of my favorite mountain trails, we discussed our values, grief experience, past marriages, future hopes, faith, children, and financial circumstances. We watched my youngest son's basketball game, and Phil briefly met my other boys.
When the time came for him to leave, my emotions were all over the map. Could God be doing this? Phil seemed to know from the beginning what God had in mind. Phil didn't even ask me to consider leaving Tennessee because he was willing to live there following his early retirement.
As Phil and I prayed to know God's will, our families and friends also prayed. We met with our pastors and sought counsel from people we trusted. Although I was determined to be cautious, one friend who met Phil immediately took me into the bathroom and said, "If you don't marry him, I will!" And she was already married!
After a few months, I went to Indiana to meet Phil's family. While we were at his church, his pastor spoke from Genesis 2:20-25. He said God's plan for Adam and Eve was that they complement each other. Phil and I did that well. I'm academic, pensive, and cautious. Phil's mechanical, playful, and open with his emotions. The following Sunday, my pastor preached from the same passage!
Finally, I went alone to pray at a nearby retreat center. In those two days, God showed me all he'd already revealed about this relationship. We'd both sought God, and had a wonderful friendship and the enthusiastic blessing of our family and friends. There were no "red flags." I knew it was from God. So I gave Phil a small silver heart that said, "I love you." During another visit two weeks later, Phil played me the song, "Forever and Ever, Amen," and asked me to marry him. I was finally ready.
Husband and Wife
On August 24, 2003, eight months after beginning our courtship, we married. Surrounded by delighted friends and family, we gave testimony that "The Lord has done great things for us" (Psalm 126:3). God had truly brought to us "beauty for ashes and joy for mourning."
Phil and I aren't perfect. But we're incredibly well-matched in faith, temperament, and approach to life. We continue to be amazed at God's goodness in giving us a new start together. My two at-home sons refer to him as an "awesome stepdad" and "Dad Number Two."
I never would have imagined I would one day tell my grandchildren their grandmother was an Internet bride. But I believe it's a story they'll ask to hear over and over.
Lettie Kirkpatrick Burress, a freelance writer and speaker, lives in Tennessee.
Copyright © 2006 by the author or Christianity Today International/Today's Christian Woman magazine.
Click here for reprint information on Today's Christian Woman.
March/April 2006, Vol. 28, No. 2, Page 52
| 
Send to printer
back to top