Text: Deuteronomy 6:5-8
Topic: Ten traits of a healthy, high-functioning family

• Today we're talking about families and asking this question: Is your family operating at its absolute best?
• We'll look at ten traits of healthy families, and you can give your family a score from zero to ten on each one.

• The first characteristic of a healthy family is that everyone in it feels treasured.
  • Illustration: One psychiatrist calls this "irrational love"—love that exists outside of reason.
  • Illustration: A girl who has been irrationally loved and treasured all her life will thrive on that love even as she grows older and may be far from home.
• Sometimes this love has a playfulness with it.
  • Illustration: Hybels saw a father and son do a "secret hand shake" in the church parking lot.
• Some of you came out of families where you were not irrationally loved.
  • Illustration: Hybels never heard the words "I love you" from his parents.
• Not having been irrationally loved growing up is no excuse for not being irrationally loving towards your children.

• The second trait of a healthy family is the presence of communication with truth and grace.
• The relationship of the mom and dad sets the tone for healthy communication in a family.
  • Illustration: When Hybels was a youth pastor and kids had questions, he would sometimes need to ask them to ask their parents. They responded with a myriad of reasons why they felt they could not talk to their parents openly.
  • Illustration: No matter what he may be in the middle of at any given time, Hybels will always answer a phone call from his children.
• As parents, you have to think, When are our windows of opportunity with enough time for quality time?
  • Illustration: In the Hybels' household, they have dinner around the table every night, as well as tea at the end of the meal. This keeps them talking to one another.
  • Illustration: Shawna and Todd Hybels still refer to their weekly Saturday morning pancakes with dad at MacDonald's.

• The next trait of a healthy family is the celebration of uniqueness.
• Have you ever noticed how he delights in placing polar opposite personalities and temperaments in the same family?
  • Illustration: Hybels illustrates the always differing desires among the unique members of his family.
• God treasures you and your uniqueness. And he asks us as parents to do the very same thing with very different children in the very same family.
  • Illustration: In his book Families at the Crossroads, Rodney Clapp says the family is a training camp where we learn to love all types of people and can then take that love into the world.
• In healthy families there's no black sheep. In healthy families there's no partiality, favoritism, or pairing off.
• The goal is to study your children, affirm their uniqueness, find the path God wants them to take, and shower them with affirmation.

• Fourthly, healthy families vow they're never going to abuse, shame, control, or intimidate one another.
• Experts will tell you that nothing compares to the soul damage done to children who are looking to their parents for love, nurture, and security and instead receive some kind of abuse.
• Healthy families never want shaming, controlling, or intimidation happening. We want our families to be safe.

• The next trait is, believe it or not, common faith.
• Even secular research on what contributes to a high functioning family says that healthy families share a common spiritual belief system.
  • Deuteronomy 6:5-8
• Get on the same spiritual page, because when you're on the same spiritual page, the love of God fills the hearts of everyone in the family, the wisdom of God guides everyone in the family, the joy of the Lord raises the joy level of the family, and the strength of the family is increased because of God's activity in that family.
  • Illustration: Hybels was confronted by a father who was upset about his son bringing home girls to spend the night. When Hybels confronted the son, he replied, "I would like you to tell my dad why he can invite women over that stay in his room right down the hall, and I can't have women in my room."
• You have to be on the same spiritual page for a family to really function as it is meant to.

• A healthy family teaches respect for others.
• Through research I've learned that racism and disrespect are learned behaviors, and the learning happens mostly in family settings.
  • Illustration: Hybels remembers seeing a mentally challenged boy get pushed around in middle school. When Hybel's father found out the Hybels had not helped the boy, he was angry and disappointed that his son did treat this helpless boy with respect. This experience redirected his whole life.
• Mom and Dad, don't ever tell a racist joke. Don't tell a joke about someone's ethnicity, because the kids it pick up.
• You have never looked into the eyes of someone who does not matter to God.
• We must teach this to our children, and we must be respectful.
• We also must be respectful of people with different political view than we may have. This is a place Christians can get really out of line. We can disagree with people, but we must be respectful.

• Fifth, healthy families instill a sense of responsibility in each other.
  • Illustration: A business owner hires young college-age kids because they're energetic and well-educated. The problem is that they are irresponsible with basic work practices.
• Children should not live with a spirit of entitlement, but with a spirit of responsibility.
  • Illustration: Todd Hybels wanted a dog but was lazy in caring for it. Finally, Bill waited with Todd until he had finished the grueling and seemingly endless task of pounding a stake with a dog chain in hard ground. Todd had to take responsibility for his dog.
• When we spin our children out into the real world, they have to be responsible. If you prepare them well, they will soar. If you don't, they're in trouble.

• Healthy families play together.
• Does your family have a unifying activity that everyone enjoys and can do together?
  • Illustration: Shawna Hybels still lists "Boating" as one of her favorite things to do. Boating is the Hybels' family activity.

• Healthy families celebrate meaningful rituals and traditions together.
• When a family has meaningful rituals and traditions, it produces a sense of security.
• Traditions make for a predictable environment in which children have things to look forward to.

• Finally, families that need help get it when they come to an impasse.
• So many families before our generation were closed systems: they had problems but never opened up to outside help to find resolution.
• Highest functioning families realize how fragile families are, and when they need help, they get it—from church, a small group, a friend, a counselor, etc.

• Illustration: A man from Hybel's church shared a song that he wrote and sings over his boys.
• Of all the traits on this list, there is one that we can get right from today forward without any more training; you just have to decide to do it.
• You can choose to irrationally love.